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Beatrice Chestnut

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge

Twos and Threes can look very much alike. Both manage their image and presentation to please or attract others, and both are competent doers with active energy. While both styles pay a lot of attention to creating an impression that matches what others value, Twos focus on meeting others’ needs and being friendly, likable, and accommodating, while Threes focus on achieving goals and attaining success to win the admiration and respect of others. Although both Twos and Threes feel driven to accomplish many things, Twos are more relationship-oriented and Threes more task-oriented. Though both Twos and Threes want to have the approval of others, Threes are motivated by the good feeling they get when they reach a goal and the satisfaction that comes with appearing successful, while Twos are motivated by earning others’ affection and being considered indispensable. Both Twos and Threes can be confused about who they really are—with so much energy going into the maintenance of an image designed to impress others, it can be hard for people of both styles to have a clear sense of self. Related to this, both Twos and Threes tend to avoid their emotions, Threes because feeling can get in the way of doing, and Twos because feeling can get in the way of forging positive connections with other people.

Despite their many shared characteristics, Twos and Threes also differ in significant ways. While both styles repress or go numb to their feelings, Twos do this less completely and tend to feel and express more emotions more often than Threes do. While Threes can be very competitive and see winning as important, Twos are less oriented to competition, seeing aligning with others as more important than coming out on top. Although both Twos and Threes can become angry at times, Twos tend to express anger when their unacknowledged needs are not met and Threes when someone puts an obstacle between them and their goal.

When it comes to work, Threes can prioritize work so much that they become workaholics. Twos can also be very hardworking, but they also prioritize relationships and pleasure. Threes pay a great deal of attention to goals and performance and so can be highly focused on efficiency and what it takes to get to the goal. In contrast, Twos prioritize what others need from them, and so they adapt their agendas more to the goals of others or the goals of the larger group. When Threes are focused on a goal, they may have a hard time being present to listen to other people, whereas Twos’ primary focus is on tuning into other people, and so they tend to be very empathic and present for friends, colleagues, and important others, even at the expense of their connection to themselves. In contrast to Threes, who can focus like a laser on a goal, Twos may abandon their own goals in favor of meeting others’ needs or supporting others’ efforts. Finally, Twos and Threes differ in terms of what they avoid most: Twos work hard, sometimes behind the scenes, at achieving positive connections with others to avoid experiencing rejection. Threes structure their work and other goal-directed activities to avoid failure. Because of this, Twos can be less direct and assertive than Threes, and Threes can be more driven to win and reframe failures as learning experiences.

The Enneagram Institute

Misidentifications

Here again, confusion about wing versus dominant type is likely to be the problem. A Two with a One-wing is unlikely to be mistyped as a Three, and a Three with a Four-wing is unlikely to be mistaken for a Two. With the 2w3 and the 3w2, however, personal charm and the desire to be liked and to please others can make these types more difficult to distinguish. Confusion sometimes arises, for instance, because the word "seductive" has often been applied to type Two. But clearly, all types can be seductive in their own way, and Threes can be very seductive indeed. Therefore, it is important to distinguish how these two types "seduce" attention from others. Basically, Twos attempt to get others to like them by doing good things for them–by focusing on the other person. ("How are you feeling this afternoon? You look sad.") Twos give the other person lots of appreciative attention in the hopes of being valued as a friend or intimate by the other. Twos are primarily motivated by the desire to please the other as a way of creating closeness or intimacy–to enhance relationship.

Threes get others to like them by developing the excellence of their own "package." Threes seldom lavish attention on the other; rather, they are trying to be so outstanding and irresistible that the other will want to focus attention on them. And while Threes enjoy the attention, and want relationships, they actually fear intimacy, becoming more uneasy as the relationship becomes closer.

Twos and Threes are different in several other key areas. While Twos can be ambitious, they feel uncomfortable going after their goals directly, feeling that to do so would be too selfish. Threes are extremely goal-driven, and feel they are not living up to their potential if they are not the best at what they do. Twos are openly sentimental and emote easily. Threes tend to be more composed, and to have difficulty accessing their feelings. Twos keep trying to do nice things for others until they lose their patience and blow up when they go to Eight. Threes keep driving themselves to excel until they burn themselves out and become more detached and passive when they go to Nine.